Cultivating self-compassion
It’s very common that someone will come to psychotherapy wanting to work on their self-esteem. They may have noticed that they are very critical of themselves, are constantly comparing themselves to others, are afraid to try new things, or are making decisions they know will harm them.
Alternatively, some people may instead notice that they are having trouble saying no to people around them, that they are procrastinating things that they know will help them, or that they spend a lot of time thinking about their mistakes or regrets.
One of the key ways that I work with clients like this is by introducing the idea of ‘self-compassion’ into therapy. By cultivating self-compassion (different to self-esteem, more on that later) we learn how to relate to ourselves and others differently and to respond with more resilience to mistakes, failures and regrets.
So What is self compassion?
Self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would offer to someone that we love and treasure, like a good friend or a beloved family member. This practice not only helps us navigate life's challenges more effectively but also fosters emotional resilience and well-being. Cultivating self-compassion can be completely transformative for how we see ourselves and the world around us.
Three core components of Self-Compassion: Kindness, Common Humanity, Mindfulness
Kindness: At its core, self-compassion involves being warm and understanding toward ourselves, especially during times of suffering or perceived failure. Instead of harsh self-criticism, we offer ourselves comfort and understanding, recognizing that imperfection is part of the human experience.
Common Humanity: This aspect of self-compassion is about recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. When we acknowledge that others experience similar struggles, it helps us feel less isolated and more connected to the larger human community. This recognition that we are not alone in our difficulties can be one of the most powerful aspects of group therapy and it can also be achieved through honest conversations with those close to us, joinging support groups, online communities or reading or listening to memoirs of people similar to us.
Mindfulness: In this context, mindfulness doesn’t just mean mindfulness meditation (although that can be part of it). Mindfulness involves being present with our painful thoughts and feelings without over-identifying with them. It’s about observing our emotions with openness and clarity, without suppressing or exaggerating them. This balanced awareness allows us to face our difficulties with greater equanimity and perspective.
At this point, you might like to take the Self-Compassion Test devised by Dr. Kristin Neff one of the pioneers in the study of self-compassion. There are lots of other great self-compassion resources on her website too.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem
While self-esteem involves evaluating (judging!) ourselves positively, often in comparison to others, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluation or comparison. Self-esteem can be fleeting and contingent on external success and validation, making it fragile. In contrast, self-compassion provides a stable and enduring sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external achievements or comparisons. It encourages us to accept ourselves as we are, imperfections and all.
Common Misgivings About Being Self-Compassionate
Many people hesitate to practice self-compassion because they fear it will make them complacent, weak, or self-pitying. However, these are misconceptions. Self-compassion actually promotes greater motivation, responsibility, and resilience.
Sometimes people believe that self-criticism is necessary for motivation or success. However, being self-compassionate actually makes us more likely to try again after setbacks or failures, persisting until we are successful. When we have compassion for ourselves, we start something from a place of wanting to live up to our full potential, rather than believing we will only be ‘good enough’ if we achieve a certain goal.
Another common misgiving is that self-compassion is a form of self-pity. In fact, self-compassion is an antidote to self-pity, as it allows us to have perspective on our struggles. We remember that everyone has difficult times (common humanity) and we don’t exaggerate our struggles (mindfulness).
So how do i cultivate Self-Compassion?
Now that I’ve made the case for developing self-compassion, here are some practical steps to cultivate it:
1. Self-Compassionate Journaling: Write about your experiences with self-kindness, acknowledging your struggles and treating yourself with the same care you would offer a friend.
2. Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness meditation to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This helps in accepting your experiences without being overwhelmed by them.
3. Loving-Kindness Meditation: Practice meditations that foster feelings of warmth and care towards yourself and others.
4. Positive Self-Talk: Challenge negative self-talk and replace it with kinder, more supportive language.
5. Seek Support: Engage in therapy or support groups where self-compassion is encouraged and modeled.
Self-Compassion in Therapy
In therapy, self-compassion can be a powerful tool for healing and growth. As a psychotherapist, I often help clients develop self-compassion. This is an effective technique for many problems people bring to counselling such as depression, anxiety, relationship issues, life changes, trauma, grief and bereavement and of course low confidence.
As a therapist, I will often challenge clients to look at a situation in a way that is more compassionate to themselves. Although this often doesn’t change the situation, seeing how we could be kinder to ourselves in the situation can often be transformative. Changing the viewpoint empowers people to understand how they have gotten to this point and to begin to make changes, accepting that there will be setbacks.
Self-compassion is a profound and essential practice for emotional well-being. By integrating kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness into our lives, we can cultivate a more compassionate and resilient self. Cultivating self-compassion opens the door to a more accepting and fulfilling relationship with ourselves.
If this is something that you feel you would like to work through with the guidance of a qualified psychotherapist, please do get in touch to discuss either in-person counselling in Birr, Co. Offaly or online sessions.
