Is it ok to still talk to someone who has died?
When someone you love has died, you may find yourself imagining conversations with them, frequently looking at photos of them or visiting a place you used to go together.
Some people worry that this is unhealthy or will prevent them from ‘moving on’ from the loss. However, keeping a connection with the person who has died is very common and can be a part of healthy grieving.
Early theories about grief thought that it was necessary to end your connection with a person who has died in order to grieve in a ‘healthy’ way. We now know that maintaining a relationship with the deceased is often an important part of healthy grief (Klass, Silverman and Nickman, 1996).
However, the fact that people still talk about ‘closure’ and ‘moving on’ shows this research hasn’t yet reached popular culture.
Continuing bonds
The theory created by Klass, Silverman and Nickman is called ‘continuing bonds’ theory. They believed that healthy resolution of grief often includes a continuing bond that the griever maintains with the deceased. In their theory, grief related behaviours that many people had believed to be unhealthy, particularly if the loss was not recent e.g. holding onto belongings, imagined conversations with loved ones, daily rituals - are understood as normal and a healthy way to cope with loss. Grief is not about breaking the connection with the deceased, it is about adjusting to a new way of connecting with them.
Finding ways to continue the connection with the deceased
Not only is it normal to want to maintain the connection with your loved one, it may also be helpful. Klass found that continuing the bond can actually help to cope with loss and the accompanying changes. So, if you already have a way of continuing the bond that works for you, keep doing it. If you don’t, or if you’d like more ways to connect with your loved one, here are some suggestions:
talking to them
writing a letter to them
looking at photographs
doing an activity that you used to do together
finishing a project that they started before they died
using or wearing something that belonged to them
Continuing bonds can be particularly helpful when your grief is most heightened
As anyone who has experienced grief knows, there will be times when your grief is particularly heightened. This may include birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or milestones in your life that you really wish your loved one was present for.
It is at these times that finding a way to connect with your loved one can be particularly helpful. It might include using their recipe for Christmas pudding, visiting their grave on the anniversary of their death or taking a few moments to talk to them on the morning of your wedding.
You will be thinking of them at these times anyway so dedicating some time to mindfully remembering them means they can be part of your important moments in a meaningful way.
Can maintaing a connection with the deceased ever be a bad thing?
Just like with any other relationship, if you are thinking about the deceased to the exclusion of everything else, this may be unhealthy. If you use a continuing bond as a way of denying the reality of the loss, this may also mean that you are not able to effectively grieve them. If you’re not sure whether the way you are relating to your deceased loved one is healthy, you might life to try bereavement or grief counselling to discuss it with a trained psychotherapist.
Continuing bonds and grief therapy
A grief literate therapist should be able to help you to find a way to create and maintain your connection with your loved one. Therapy after a bereavement may help you to accept the reality of the loss and to find a way to maintain a connection with the deceased.
Just because your loved one has died, doesn’t mean your relationship with them has completely ended. They will always have been a part of your life and a part of you. Finding ways to nurture that connection can be a way of honouring your love and gratitude for the loved one, amidst the pain of grief.
If you want to see if grief counselling is for you, you can call me on 089 240 5449 or email me at jennydunnetherapy@gmail.com. I offer a free 15 minute consultation call, where we can discuss whether we might be able to work together in a way you are comfortable with.
